Expectations – we all have them, across all the different areas of our life. We have expectations of others, ourselves, and the world around us. In this post, I want to specifically focus on the expectations we have in relationships. Not just intimate, romantic relationships but all types, from friends to family to work relationships. We generally have expectations of how others should behave and how they should interact with us. We expect people to treat us a certain way or provide certain things based on the position they hold in our lives.

            I’ve heard quite a few folks say that we shouldn’t have expectations at all. That merely having them is where we go wrong and is the fastest way to being disappointed or let down by people. But I don’t believe that. In my professional and personal experience, I don’t think you should go through life with no expectations at all. The problem, however, comes with how we approach expectations. There are two common mistakes I see us make: lack of assessment and communication. There’s a great chance our expectations will never be met if we aren’t able to assess capacity of others to fulfill them and actually communicate our expectations to them.

            Have you ever had someone place expectations on you that didn’t even match up with who you are, your desires, goals, resources, ability, physical, or mental health? It’s a very frustrating experience. And oftentimes, it creates resentment, guilt, and shame when we aren’t able to meet them. Now think about when you do this to others. How often do you ask yourself, “based on what I know, is this person in a space to even meet these expectations in the way I’m wanting them too”? This is an important assessment to make because it greatly influences what you do next. If you realize they are not able to meet the expectation, what do you then do with that expectation? Much of the time, we still have the same expectation and resentment finds its way to us because they aren’t meeting it. I offer up another option --- adjust your expectations until they match the person and/or situation. Ask yourself how can you be flexible? Try to avoid going from one extreme to the other though. I’m not saying to then deny your needs and expectations. I’m simply saying, how can you adjust them to match your reality.

            There’s also this tendency for us to not even communicate our expectations to the actual person. And I’m talking about direct, assertive communication --- not some passive aggressive bs. We may vent about them to our friends, family, or coworkers --- but rarely the actual person. Some minimize their expectation while others say things like “they should just know”, “it’s common sense”, “what’s understood doesn’t need to be explained”, or even “maybe I’m just asking for too much”. As good as these may sound, they don’t actually help us move forward and deal with the situation. These are just sexy excuses we tell ourselves as a result of the anxiety we feel when tasked with acknowledging and expressing our needs and expectations. But no one can read your mind, and no one wants to break down your subliminal posts on social media. Say what you need AND make sure you ask if they are able and willing to meet this need. That’s another part of assessing their capacity.

            At the end of the day, this is a challenge to be vulnerable and set pride to the side.  Vulnerability can feel like such a chore, yet it is the major component to deepening our relationships and connections with others. Being satisfied in our interactions with others doesn’t just happen by chance. We have needs that need to be met and we expect others to meet them in specific ways. And we have to do the work of expressing them in real time and adjusting them when necessary. It’s not easy but I promise you it will change the game.